Sex Scandal Revelation Rocks Repubican Restrooms

(A.P.*-Toostoned, AZ)

In a shocking turn of events carefully calculated to distract attention from the plodding economy and deteriorating situation in the Middle East, Repubican Residential candidate Aridzona Senator Jon McCane has become the latest casualty in a domino of political sex scandals that have befallen members of Congress like a virulent STD over the last year.

From soliciting the vice squad in airport restrooms to ordering high-priced internet “escorts” online, the mighty have been falling in a series of ever more perverse and disturbing sex scandals.

The Senator has been linked to another online prostitution ring…but unlike recent tabloid celebrity Guvner Elliot Spitzher of New Yoke, Senator McCane is being investigated for being the provider of paid sexual services.

“We’re all very shocked,” an undisclosed source high within the Repubican party claimed, distancing himself from charges of a cover-up. “We thought Jon was clearing at least a hundred bucks an hour.”

Like the recent allegations against Spitzher, these charges revolve around a filthy online escort service. The website- DirtyOldMenDoItForMoney.info– appears to be a sleazy call-boy service which caters to the niche market in age-weathered studs who’d be otherwise put to pasture. The domain is registered to one “Dick Chainey” and hosted on offshore servers located in the jungles of Tanzania.

Users of the site can bid from $20-$100/hour for the services of a distinguished older gentleman. The menu includes such exotic specialties as groping, slobbering, and the premium “Ham and Cheese” service.

“We’re not sure whether the Senator has ever actually had any clients,” admitted FYI director Bob Mullett. “In fact, there’s a strong suspicion that McCane himself set this up, in an effort to compete with such headline grabbers as Larry Craig and Bob Packwood. There’s a feeling around the McCane campaign the Jon isn’t the kind of sexy candidate that commands the attention of the Murican people.”

“So our preliminary investigation suggests that Jon wasn’t being paid at all, but rather setting up fake profiles and leaving himself obscene comments to, um, look cool.”

The McCane campaign had no comment other than to note that the website does not define what “It” is, and could in fact refer to anything. When questioned as to what else “It” could possibly mean, spokesman Buck Rogers suggested that “It” might mean golf, which McCane plays religiously.

When asked what the “dirty” meant in that context, however, Rogers back-pedalled and decided that “It” must refer to camping, after all. “Gathering wood can make even the most hygienic old men dirty.”

* AP Associated Pranksters

Happy Holy Fool’s Day!

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