Breaking News: JM Sex Scandal Derails Campaign Train

Sex Scandal Revelation Rocks Repubican Restrooms

(A.P.*-Toostoned, AZ)

In a shocking turn of events carefully calculated to distract attention from the plodding economy and deteriorating situation in the Middle East, Repubican Residential candidate Aridzona Senator Jon McCane has become the latest casualty in a domino of political sex scandals that have befallen members of Congress like a virulent STD over the last year.

From soliciting the vice squad in airport restrooms to ordering high-priced internet “escorts” online, the mighty have been falling in a series of ever more perverse and disturbing sex scandals.

The Senator has been linked to another online prostitution ring…but unlike recent tabloid celebrity Guvner Elliot Spitzher of New Yoke, Senator McCane is being investigated for being the provider of paid sexual services.

“We’re all very shocked,” an undisclosed source high within the Repubican party claimed, distancing himself from charges of a cover-up. “We thought Jon was clearing at least a hundred bucks an hour.”

Like the recent allegations against Spitzher, these charges revolve around a filthy online escort service. The website- DirtyOldMenDoItForMoney.info– appears to be a sleazy call-boy service which caters to the niche market in age-weathered studs who’d be otherwise put to pasture. The domain is registered to one “Dick Chainey” and hosted on offshore servers located in the jungles of Tanzania.

Users of the site can bid from $20-$100/hour for the services of a distinguished older gentleman. The menu includes such exotic specialties as groping, slobbering, and the premium “Ham and Cheese” service.

“We’re not sure whether the Senator has ever actually had any clients,” admitted FYI director Bob Mullett. “In fact, there’s a strong suspicion that McCane himself set this up, in an effort to compete with such headline grabbers as Larry Craig and Bob Packwood. There’s a feeling around the McCane campaign the Jon isn’t the kind of sexy candidate that commands the attention of the Murican people.”

“So our preliminary investigation suggests that Jon wasn’t being paid at all, but rather setting up fake profiles and leaving himself obscene comments to, um, look cool.”

The McCane campaign had no comment other than to note that the website does not define what “It” is, and could in fact refer to anything. When questioned as to what else “It” could possibly mean, spokesman Buck Rogers suggested that “It” might mean golf, which McCane plays religiously.

When asked what the “dirty” meant in that context, however, Rogers back-pedalled and decided that “It” must refer to camping, after all. “Gathering wood can make even the most hygienic old men dirty.”

* AP Associated Pranksters

Happy Holy Fool’s Day!

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7 Comments so far

  1. Casey Fulton April 11th, 2008 3:33 am

    Yes, I do think your opinion is righteous. (So do lots of people).
    Luckily majority of people are intelligent 🙂
    Happy (Holy?) April Fools Day 😛

  2. Nick S April 12th, 2008 9:09 pm

    LOL!

    I’m assuming this is being provided for the satirical value. 😉

  3. zany April 12th, 2008 9:15 pm

    Very funny! I WAS “paying attention!”

  4. shivani April 12th, 2008 9:18 pm

    Its Great That You Posted This Information About
    The Insane Prez Bush Clone… *John McCain.* Do *Correct* Your Spelling Of John McCain’s Name On Your Website Posting.

    You Misspelled It Every Time. He Is The Evil War~Mongering Zombie Perverted Corrupt Republican Running For USA President.
    If Beings GOOGLE Your Spelling Of His Name… They Will Get Nothing About Him.

    ~::~ *BARACK OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT 2008!* Barack Is Not A Muggle! ~::~

  5. Offbeat Satire and Parody April 12th, 2008 9:24 pm

    The spelling of “McCane” was recommended by our legal department as the story above is utterly fictitious.

    You’ll notice other meaningful misspellings-part of our annual Holy Fool’s Day Tradition so that we can avoid being taken too seriously. It doesn’t always work.

    Thanks for playing. 🙂

  6. My Red Bird April 22nd, 2008 6:45 pm

    lol…that’s hilarious!

    Imagine paying that old toad to do anything!
    😛

  7. Val Schmid April 30th, 2010 7:46 am

    John McCain is politically pathetic. He did not win because the people are not satisfied with the Republicans. Even if they were, the republicans should have chosen a stronger candidate. Scary if Palin decides to run, huh?”.

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